Art

I used to do a lot of art and judge myself on what I produced. It was a good day if I was pleased with a painting, like a high, a buzz. I would feel full of worth at what my fingers could reproduce. On days my hands rebelled and the colours in my paintings clashed, faces fell deformed and scewed, I would get a hot feeling in my stomach that would last all day, a wasted hour on an ugly thing, a twisted useless face - testimony to the fact that my hands were ordinary things, useless, talentless.
Then my mind betrayed me and all the sitting I used to do when creating felt like the worst sort of laziness. I felt the urge to express in colours and clay, but my body wouldn't stay still, I felt like worms were crawling inside my skin and the longer I sat motionless the fatter they grew, expanding inside me until they started to warp my flesh, expand me out. I would start to shake my leg and my straight lines would curve. I began to tense my arm muscles and my curved lines would straighten.
And so I began to run. With every creative thought I had I would put on my trainers and run until headrushes threatened to overcome me. Through woods, till my sweat and heavy heartbeat quelled the desire to draw, or paint or love what I could do. The burning inside my skin would cleanse the worms, and still them for an hour, maybe two.
And when the winter closed in I joined the gym, to 'step up my game', to work on every bit until all my muscles became inflamed and weakened by strength training. And I could see the outline of my bones, the horizontal chest lines, my ribs through my back, my backbone, jutting hips and the validating gap between my thighs.
And I sat then, to lift a pencil, to mix paint, to observe and concentrate...but all the talent in my fingers has been run away, I can no longer see the colours I used to paint, I have no concentration, my eyes become blurry, my brain disengaged.
My mind has betrayed me and my body has paid.

My new creative outlet...

http://obichanshinobisan.blogspot.co.uk/

Enjoying life more through the eyes of a new puppy...excited by everything and with boundless energy - how I wish I could be!

Lewis

And now you're all I see,

Cos you're in every memory,

Full and plump with possibility,

Navigating your big old sea,

You're on everyone's mind,

Just almost all the time.

And now you're all I see,

Cos you're in every memory.

How can we possibly,

Leave you to our memories,

You're more alive even now,

Than most of us will ever be.

Known

Your biggest pleasure, your deepest pain,

Everything you lose, everything you gain,

And all the hopes and dreams you bleed,

All the things you think you need,

Every pursuit you ached to get,

Are all the moments you regret,

Every time life made you retch,

Every muscle you built to stretch,

Everything that made you lust,

On translucent skin spurt, left to crust,

And everything that felt surreal,

The highs you’re not supposed to feel,

The times you beat her black and blue,

And when she says she still loves you,

Your crushing blows your awful lows;

She wears her makeup, no one knows.

Fish eyed lense

Looking towards Montreal

Life

Locked behind bones,
and muscle keyes,
Roped veins and capillaries,
Locked behind time,
and memories,
Broken dreams and spilling seed,

This is where you'll find me,
Hung and crushed in gravity,
Doing time,
Til time ends me.